Team we don’t care: Bridget and Akari
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December 16, 2009 • Bridget Tobin and Akari Hatanaka
Filed under Arts & Entertainment, Top Stories
B: To make sure that I wasn’t the only one who disliked Twilight, I asked fellow classmate, Andrew Zhou, three simple questions.
1. What did you think of the movie?
2. What do you think of all the hype surrounding the movies and actors?
3. Is it out of control?
Andrew answered honestly,
1. Thumbs down. Bad cinematography + bad CGI + bad acting overall = not too great a movie.
2. The hype mainly has to do with the visual appeal of the actors themselves, but I’m not sure about my stance on the “hot” guys of Twilight and New Moon. Robert Pattinson’s hair is a mess. He is a huge wreck. Kristen Stewart is not too shabby, but still kinda…shabby.
3. It is definitely out of control.
Kyle Kim said, “I’d rather have stared at dog poo for two hours.”
B: I did see the first movie, but didn’t bother to waste my money going to see the second one. I agree with Andrew and Kyle 100 percent, but the hype didn’t just start when the movies premiered- it started with the Twilight books. I’ll admit, I did read them. And for a brief period, I even liked them. But I soon realized (after I started reading books more often), that Twilight isn’t exactly a work of literary genius. Page-long descriptions of Edward’s “topaz eyes,” “smooth, marble skin,” and (disturbingly enough) his “delicious scent” didn’t leave me with any more knowledge than I had before I read the book. I probably just knew more adjectives.
A: I, too, foolishly read all four books my freshman year after a classmate did an English 9 speech on the first book and briefly enjoyed the fluffy frivolity of a small town in Washington with some hot vampires. Then I realized: 1. It’s about vampires. 2. It’s poorly written. And 3. I wasted my time reading all four books. But guess what? Now I can legitimately bash the books because I’VE READ THEM SO I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. News flash: the plot itself is a tragedy, not the supposed heart-wrenching love triangle between a vegetarian vampire, some werewolf with anger management issues, and a pale, wimpy girl who falls in love with guys after the extensive time period of– wait for it– FIVE DAYS? REALLY? And also. It’s about vampires. And werewolves. Just– no. Leave it to JK Rowling. PLEASE.
B: Unfortunately, Twilight (both the books and the movies) has inspired terrifyingly passionate feelings from girls (and guys) towards a fictional character. In fact, it has inspired passionate feelings towards multiple fictional characters (“Team Edward”, “Team Jacob”); neither of which is actually human. Therefore, crazed Twilight fans have been misled. First, men don’t sparkle in sunlight. Second, they don’t have super speed or super strength (A: Unless you’re Michael Phelps!). Third, they’re not going to transform into a wolf because of “Quileute legends.”.And lastly, teen girls should not be pining after a 107-year-old man trapped in the body of a 17-year-old boy who sneaks into their house to watch them sleep at night. So, to be blunt, girls should probably give up the idea that a physically perfect man is going to show up in their local high school and sweep them off their feet into a world of mythical creatures. It’s not going to happen.
A: Seriously. The guys in the movie are not even attractive. My friend who went to go see New Moon said that every time “Bella” was bleeding, either Taylor Lautner (DEFINITELY NOT Taylor HOTner as some people say, he looks like he’s 12 or something) or Robert Pattinson would rip their shirts off, flex, and say something like “Let me help you,” *flexes in five more poses* Can I say ew? Plus, in the fourth book, the protagonist (Bella) has a HALF VAMPIRE HALF HUMAN BABY. WITH THE 107-YEAR-OLD MAN TRAPPED IN A 17-YEAR-OLD’S BODY. And what does the baby do? She sucks her mother’s blood while in the womb! So Bella DRINKS BLOOD. AND FINDS IT SATISFYING. And then she names it RENESMEE by combining the names of the grandmothers, Renee and Esme. WHY??
B: Devotion has reached a new level with Twilight. On twifans.com/group/cullenism, Twilight is being compared to Christianity. According to the writer of this page, Christianity spread to many people, becoming a widespread religion with many devoted followers, many who have even devoted their life to it, and apparently, “Twilight has reached a point like this.” This is just flat out weird.
A: And Hawaii, I’m so disappointed in you! At Barnes and Noble, three out of four of the fiction bestsellers were- you guessed it!-of the Twilight saga, with “Eclipse” beating out “The Lost Symbol” by Dan Brown for the number one spot. Now, I know Brown isn’t Ralph Waldo Emerson or anything, but Meyers beating Brown out is like Dr. Lagory not catching a Keables error: it just shouldn’t happen. Maybe her writing is adequate enough for those who barely read, but as ‘Iolani students who read many, many, many, many, MANY times a day, I would think that our standards would be higher than that.
B: All the other levels of devotion (from just seeing the midnight premier to buying “Team Edward”/”Team Jacob” t-shirts to showing up to the set of the movie, hoping to catch a glimpse of the actors) seem to be nothing compared to something ridiculous like this. “Cullenism” is a growing fad. Beware.
A: What about “Team Edward? Team Jacob? How About Team Shut Up Because No One CARES”?! In case I need to reiterate my point, fictional means THEY DON’T EXIST. So girls, stop wasting your time by reading and watching trashy love stories and pick up something actually good, like The Notebook. By the way, in case you didn’t get it, to summarize, our point is that:
B: Twilight bites. (Hah hah…not funny.)
Activities the B and A Team prefer to do:
1. Play Bach Double.
2. Read both SAT I and SAT II prep books.
3. Make Keables corrections on a 20-page paper.
4. Watch Saturday Night Live (NOT HOSTED BY TAYLOR LAUTNER!).
5. Design “Team Bridget and Akari” t-shirts.
6. Wash our hair (UNLIKE ROBERT PATTINSON).
7. Interact with humans.
8. Read substantial literature.
9. Watch C-Span.
10. Bash Twilight.
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Vegetarian vampires = phail